Until recently I have been reluctant to discuss it, but it's a part of who I am and I can neither change nor deny it. I'm not proud of it, and I don't really follow the psychology behind the whole thing, but I do know I have control over what's going on inside my brain.
I was told that the problem comes from an imbalance in my neurochemistry, and there is no medicinal solution available or even advised. Should it ever become a problem, the solution was simply psychotherapy, which didn't bode well with me. Instead, I decided a long time ago that it would be wise to understand how my own brain works — suiting my personal proclivity to autodidacticism — and on the way I've discovered much about myself that probably wouldn't apply to anyone else.
To those of you who don't know what this entails, allow me to detail briefly the highlights explained to me: The biggest problem is probably social anxiety. I also have problems displaying my true emotions and instead show a flat-line of modest happiness. I often get thoughts that everyone is talking about me, sometimes even to the point that, for example, television shows have some reference to my current situation.
Paranoia plays a big role here too — quite often I hear things and see ominous shadows and interpret them as a threat. Did someone just mention my name quietly? Did I just see someone creeping up on me?
There are many other (darker) aspects here I won't touch on, but you should have the general idea by now.
Fortunately I realise what is real and what isn't: I think the thoughts, but then categorise them as fact or fiction. I do this using the same mechanism I use to view the world: compartmentalisation. I break everything down into small components and study them carefully as I reassemble them.
It's probably at this point my father would interject and tell you an anecdote about how I once started pulling his new stereo apart when I was a boy, but this is in fact a philosophy I've successfully applied to most areas of my life, particularly with computer science. When you get used to it, you can solve any problem, no matter how large, using small chunks of bite-sized solutions.
Having said that though, it hasn't yet helped with relationships, probably because women are somewhat inscrutable for most of us men… Ahem, I digress.
This thought process was enhanced, I believe, through the use of IRC during its hey-day of the early 1990's. Back then, I was carrying out so many simultaneous conversations that parallelism became second nature to me. For example, I used to carry on several parallel conversations with many people in person, especially with my old business partner, Scott. Often, more than five topics might have been discussed at once, and switching context was never a problem, even mid-sentence.
This parallel thought process combined with compartmentalisation has also made me thrive in stressful “hit the ground running” style situations, allowing me to organise myself and others efficiently.
It's interesting to think that parallel conversations over the Internet could have helped develop sophisticated analytical thought processes that have helped me through life. Normal people would have called it a waste of time, but you should realise that there's always a positive in every negative.
Continue reading: part five.
